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a monotomous morning in Kalamazoo   
03:45pm 23/10/2006
  That fucking noise is driving me crazy. Is that some sort of bell. It's coming from that thing next to me. It's the alarm clock. Shut it off. Did I hit snooze or off? I meant to hit snooze. Wait, it doesn't matter, I have today off. I can't sleep anymore anyway. What time is it? 7:00 a.m.? This sucks. I'll lay here for awhile. I cannot stop farting. I'm glad no one is here. What do people do when they are married? Do they just stop caring and fart all the time? I can never get married. Well, I could, but we would have to have separate rooms.
What am I gonna do today? I should go get fabric for my Halloween costume, and a….pattern, Brian, the civil war reenactment guy told me to get a pattern. I don't know anything about fabrics or sewing, add that to my list of things I can't do that would be helpful to know how to do. Maybe I'll just go get some coffee. I guess I'll get dressed. I have to go back to the gym, look at my body, I look like a fat anorexic. Mental note: Never take your shirt off again. Maybe I'll wear the vintage ski jacket I bought Friday. I'm pretty good at shopping, especially for vintage clothes, and books, and instruments. Who would pay me to do that? These jeans are filthy, I wonder if anyone will notice I've been wearing them for several days in a row? Probably not. I don't notice people's jeans or shoes. I notice when people where shirts and jackets everyday.
I'll walk down Vine today, it's a little nicer than Rainey. I used to live on Vine. I loved that apartment so much. I also lived in that one with Jess for the most part. I wonder what she's up to. I think she settled down with someone. What do you do after you settle down? Those guys in the bagel shop are annoying, those frumpy, phony assholes with their add-ons. I just want a works bagel toasted with Veggie-light cream cheese to go. I don't want anything to drink. I'll get a Nantucket Nectar Orange Juice at 4th Coast. I wonder who's working today? It's Monday, so probably Rachel.
It's dead in here. I think I'll look at the job ads. I can't do that, or that, or that, I don't have the experience. That's probably minimum wage. I've done that and it sucks. I might have to do it again. I hate the idea of sitting in some interview answering irrelevant questions. I have a good work ethic, I just can't kiss asses well. I'm putting this away, It's depressing me. What else do I have in my purse. The A&E page. "'Break!' shatters stereotypes" by John Liberty. Hey, I know who that guy is. He's Killian's friend. He was watching the Tigers game last night. I'll read this for awhile. Pretty boring, I bet he got bored just writing it. Sarah Vowell, she's coming here soon for something. I would go see her. $20. For balcony, $25 for main floor, $60 includes private reception. Jesus. Does she give you a hand-job for $80? I wonder if Becky's going? Where's Dowagiac? That sounds Native American. Like Saugatuck. They have a large gay population there. I wonder if there were gay Native Americans? There must have been.
I should deposit this check at the credit union. I'll put get my ipod out. It's colder out than it was when I came in. I love this Smog song "I had to leave the country…" It's brilliant when the chorus of children's voices come in. I could do something like him, maybe just be a rural/urban singer songwriter. I could sleep with Joanna Newsom. I'm pushing 30, I'd better hurry up. Well, Clint Eastwood didn't get big until he was 35. And Rodney Dangerfield was in his 50's. I've got plenty of time to hone my craft.
Dana's girlfriend Abby lives in that building, Kristi used to I believe. I think Amanda does too. What was it that Amanda was telling me the other night. I was drunk at that point. It was like some sort of pep talk. I don't think she was making any sense. I remember thinking that at the time. "This girl is not making a bit of sense." Oh well, it was her birthday. I got really drunk on my birthday too. It was real hazy. Should I get out $20? Or $40. How much does fabric cost? I don't know anything about fabric. Plus I might go see that new Scorsese film later. It's depressing to see a movie by yourself. Though it's nicer. I'll get out $20.
Who is this weirdo coming down the street. Best not to make eye contact with him. I should stop at Polly and Esther's to see if they have any green tights for my Aquaman Costume. K of C. Knights of Columbus. That's where my friend Anna drinks. It doesn't even look like a bar. I wonder what it's like? We had a work party there once but I never went. There's Anna's house. She lives right next to K of C. That makes sense. I would frequent a bar that was right next to my house too.
I would dead-head those Black-Eyed Susan in that garden bed, take them all the way to the ground cover. Cut down those hastas, pull out the annuals, they'll die soon anyway. I could clean all this up in 10 minutes. Charge the guy $25, that's fair.
That mural on the co-op is dreadful. Is that cabbage on that giant baby's head? There's Rosie. And that other girl….what's her name…Heather, I don't really know her. Rosie always makes me feel warm when I see her. Amy does that too. Certain people just make you feel warm, like everything's gonna work itself out.
The sky rise. I used to work up there sometimes. That place is a fire trap. 60 percent of the residents aren't even ambulatory. They couldn't get down those stairs if the elevators were out. I wonder if the owner cares. Most rich folks don't give a shit about poor folks. I even had an escape plan mapped out. I would climb down the balcony one floor at a time. I bet I would get tired. I couldn't just let people die. I guess I would have to try and carry someone down the stairs, it would have to be someone real light, like an old lady or something. You have to know your limitations.
If I needed an apartment right now, I would call Wendy Denning. I had a pretty good rapport with her. There's where Steve used to live, and Erica too. I'm not very good with keeping up with people. And it's so easy now with the MySpace and what not. . It's crazy. I could keep up with old friends from all over the country. I could send a message to the girl I lost my virginity to. I could send a message to that girl that lives in Texas. But what would be the point really. I'm too lazy anyway. Polly and Esther's isn't open yet, it opens at noon. I guess I'll just go back home. I got a few things I could be doing. Finish my laundry, work on my resume', watch E.R. maybe write a blog.
     Read 4 - Post
a letter to pumpkin   
11:34am 20/10/2006
  dear pumpkin;

i am sitting next to puppytown on the meow. last night killian and i woke becky up, and then we wrote messages pretending to be john rooney and then we delivered them and played some jokes on rooster. we could do better jokes if we were sober. like when a bunch of us dropped a 40 pound block of cheese on the vine st. kids porch. or put an octopus in their freezer. does anyone want to go to a movie tonight? i really want to see "the defarted" i also want to see the borat thingy. but what i really want to do is try the popcorn trick on you. and i want to smother you in creamy fake butter and throw dots at you. i guess i'm breaking up with you. it's just not working. you've got your career, and you're just so stressed out all the time. i've got my job, and school, and my big art show coming up. i just don't have the time. you'd be better off with someone younger, better looking, funnier. you'll do fine, i promise.

the orphan
     Read 1 - Post
a letter to col. westnedge   
08:56pm 13/10/2006
  dear cupcake;

i think i blacked out last night. i remember being sort of dissed by this girl i've been interested and sitting in silence while everyone tried to get me to go with them. i feel like shit today but i'm just gonna do some hair of the dog and go down and watch the tigers game with killian and eat some cheese sticks.

tommorow will be birthday fun at my house. maybe we'll have a fire. maybe i'll get a hand job, i got one last year on my birthday. a painful one. who wouldn't want this packaged bliss. i've got everything: money, a great job,, fancy clothes, my own room full of keyboards and action figures, a fucked-up faux hawk, great athlete with tremendous speed, a fancy car with no rust, i eat only health food and excercise daily, the body of a 12 year old boy, i'm a great speller. my breath is minty fresh even in the morning. in closing, please consider my resignation. i am a surrender monkey.

love and kindness
captain kilgore
     Read 1 - Post
I can't see their faces, only the shadows of their eyes   
01:30pm 07/10/2006
  Everybody's talking at me
I don't hear a word they're saying
Only the echoes of my mind

People stopping staring
I can't see their faces
Only the shadows of their eyes

I'm going where the sun keeps shining
Thru' the pouring rain
Going where the weather suits my clothes
Backing off of the North East wind
Sailing on summer breeze
And skipping over the ocean like a stone

well, thinking alot today. i'm about to slide into one of those things, does anybody even read this shit?

i lost my ipod last night, or it was stolen, or it's in seekamp's car. it makes me sad, why are they so small? i knew i should have brought my man purse with me, instead i shoved way too much shit in my jean jacket. it probably wasn't stolen because it was sitting at a table that was pretty much just my friends with a couple people i didn't know. oh well, no sense crying about it.

what else. oh, the thing where i couldn't talk to the girl i have a crush on because, well, i just can't act normal when i'm out of my element. plus i was way too intoxicated and would have talked funny talk, gibberish. instead i just tried to sit and look pretty and rambled some shit to her at the end of the night, can't quite remember what. i think it was okay auto-pilot stuff like "i'll come in and see you at your bar soon, or something"

why do i drink so much. tough question, i don't have much more emotional baggage than anyone else. i became very unhappy at the age of around 13, my family changed in a bad way around then as well, i struggled to find an identity after high school, i had been the most delightfully insane person to come out of my small town, i couldn't go to the city because i was too small town, i wouldn't have made it you see.

but i was also cocky, a smart-ass no-it-all (but i didn't know anything) with no work ethic and no regard for other's feelings. a terrible thing to be, but i am far from that now. i'm tuned into to a great station, and it's not WKZO. i would die for you now, you have to know that. i can see your anxieties, and your insecurities and fears, i would never exploit them, but i can see them, unless you're REALLY good at hiding them. all i want from you is truth, i can handle anything else as long as you give me that.

digressing. i drink because i'm unhappy and lonely and i'm also lonely and unhappy because i drink. you don't think i would love to stay home curled up with someone, watching old hitchcock movies and eating takeout? of course i would, isn't that what we all want, but it doesn't seem to be in the cards for me.

i think that guy with the big hair, the bummy guy in the vine neighborhood, might be the devil or god. when i was going into the dragon inn with steve and malcolm he asked me for money. i almost always give money when someone is REALLY crazy and disheveled looking, but this time i didn't. when i walked in, a pigeon flew straight at my face at full speed and i barely got out of the way. he laughed, with a crazy look in his eyes. so the other day, when i walked out of fourth coast with a full cup of coffee, he asked me if he could have money for a coffee and i gave him mine. now, he could have said "fuck this coffee, it's tepid and there's no sugar in it" but he didn't he was grateful and he asked "are you sure you don't want it?" so, that guy's alright in my book, and he may be the devil or god.

i better get going to the football field for our little game. killian's gonna be at the tigers game today. how about that game yesterday? sending a message to the yankees. fuck your money and history, we got our thingwe're hungry, and not only are we not intimidated, we will do the intimidating. detroit is a tough fucking city man. okay.

once again
i love you
come to my birthday party next week
buy me an ipod
make out with me

     Read 3 - Post
our last day in marquette together   
01:29pm 07/10/2006
  1.Your Middle Name: Alan

2. Age: almost 29

3. Single or Taken: single

4. Favorite place to hang out: the motherfucking tavern

5. Favorite pet/animal: hands down, chloe "boo boo" martin-frain, that dog breaks my heart strings

6. Favorite Band/Artist: the walkmen

7. Favorite sex position: she's on her back and i'm on mine and we're looking at the ceiling and she says "that was quick" and i say, "i know i'm sorry, i should have drank more wine"

8. Tattoos and/or Piercings: bad tribal, no more piercings

HERE COMES THE FUN ... ... ...

9. Whats your philosophy on life? life is short and hard, you'll be lucky to see another day

10. Tell me one odd/intresting fact about you: i draw like a 4 year old, if you don't believe me, look at my art show at becky's house

11. What is the craziest thing you've ever done? dropped out of college with one class to go, i eventually dropped back in though

12. Ever been arrested/ gone to jail? nope

13. Do you think I'm attractive? john wagner? not my type.

14. If you could change anything about me, would you? no, you're perfect john

15. If you could change anything about yourself, would you? i would change my crash under pressure syndrome

16. What do you wear to sleep? shorts and a t-shirt

17. What is your favorite sport? boxing, football, baseball,

18. Would you go on a date with me if i asked you? jesus, no john.

19. If I only had one day to live, what would we do together? you would not want to spend your last day with me

20. Will you post this so I can fill it out for you? yes
     Read 1 - Post
it's boring   
07:10pm 01/10/2006
  1. The phone rings. Who do you want it to be?
that's tricky, cuz i don't really use the phone much and noone calls me.

2. When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart?

3. In a social setting, are you more of a talker or a listener?

4. Do you take compliments well?:
i don't get many, but i suppose i like them

5. Are you an active person?
pretty fit, but not crazy active

6. If abandoned alone in the wilderness, would you survive?
that's tough, it would depend what wilderness and what i had with me.

7. Do you like to ride horses?:
never really done it

8. Did you ever go to camp as a kid?
no, but i went yesterday

9. What was your favorite game as a kid?
mr. wiggily, mr. mouth

10. If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was married, would you get involved with him/her?
probably not.

11. Are you judgmental?
to an extent like everyone else

12. Could you date someone with different religious beliefs than you?
i'm into spiritual ummm...development or something, not really into religion. i would say i would be more okay with it now than i would have been years ago

13. Do you like to pursue or be pursued?:
hmmmm. well, if i actually like them i'll take either.

14. Use three words to describe yourself:
honest, pensive, obscene

15. If you had to choose, would you rather be black or a cripple?
that's fucked-up!

16. Are you continuing your education?:
maybe in the future

17. Do you know how to shoot a gun?
i have shot a gun, but i couldn't do it by myself.

19. How often do you read porn?
you don't read porn.you look at it or watch it and then jerk off.

20. Do you think more about the past, present or future?:
i think about all of them waaayyy too much, but in the fall the past haunts me.

21. What is your favorite children's book?
everyone poops

22. What color are your eyes?
pale blue (linger on)

23. How tall are you?:
5'11" i think

24. Where is your dream house located?:
i don't know really

25. Boxers,Briefs,Thongs,Or Grannies?:
boxerbriefs on me, NOT grannies on her

26. Last person you talked to?
either johnny,al,issiah, or ethan

27. Have you ever taken pictures in a photo booth?:
yes, i love them

28. When was the last time you were at Olive Garden?
several years ago

29. What color is your keychain?
it's boring

30. Where was the furthest place you traveled today?:
back from van buren youth camp

31. Where is your current pain at?
a dull aching hangover

32. Do you like mustard?:
i certainly do

33. Do you prefer to sleep or eat?:
sleep, unless someone else is doing the cooking

34. Do you look like your mom or dad?
more like my dad now

35. How long does it take you in the shower?:
10min.i get wet, then i shampoo, then i rinse, then condition, then scrub with a body wash, then rinse, then drip dry for 30 seconds then towel dry, then weigh myself, admire myself, then shave (every other day) then apply moistureizer (sp) then attempt to style my hair which is now a mohawk, then put my contacs in and swear alot while doing it, i also swab out my useless earholes, and on certain days i trim my nails and nosehairs.

36. Can you do splits?:
no, but i'm pretty flexible

37. What movie do you want to see right now?
texas chainsaw massacre (the beginning)

38. Do you put lotion on your dog or cats?:

39. What did you do for New Year's?:
got drunk at dutton with friends, then had sex at an apartment in parkmont

40. Do you think The Grudge was scary?
stupid, getting sick of the american remakes of horror films, and any film where someone wears dark contacs to make their eyes look weird.

41. What was the cause of your last accident?:
i haven't been in one, i did run over a bunch of flagstone in janel's truck because i couldn't see

42. Do you own a camera phone?
no, but that could make me even more pervy (compliments of becky)

43. What are you drinking?:

44. Was your mom a cheerleader?:
no, my mom doesn't have any hobbies except worrying

45. What's the last letter of your middle name?

46. Who did you vote for on American Idol?
i hate that shit

47. How many hours of sleep do you get a night?:
6 or 7

48. Do you like care bears?
i don't think they care if i like them

49. What do you buy at the movies?:
popcorn and cola

50. Do you know how to play poker?
not really

51. Do you wear your seatbelt?:
yes, automatically

52. What do you wear to sleep?:
shorts and a t-shirt, if drunk just underwear

53. Anything big ever happen in your hometown?:
once there was murder an old man strangled with a bicycle tube that made me not sleep well that night, my childhood friend killed himself in a bizarre standoff with the cops, but it wasn't technically in my hometown.

54. How many meals do you eat a day?:
2.5 or so, sometimes once

55. Is your tongue pierced?:

56. Do you always read MySpace bulletins?
ionly when i'm really bored

58. Do you like funny or serious people better?:

59. Ever been to LA?:
no, doesn't sound like my kind of place

60. Did you eat a cookie today?:
i hate cookies

61. Do you use cuss words in other languages?

62. Do you steal or pay for your music downloads?
swap mostly because i'm broke and there is no record store around here

63. Do you like chocolate?
it tastes good, but i'm not into sweets

64. What do you and your parents fight about the most?:
we haven't fought in years

65. Is your cell usually on vibrate or ring?:
n/a i don't have one, but if i did i would call you while i'm drunk

66. Are you a gullible person?:

67. Do you need a boyfriend/girlfriend to be happy?:
i've never been happy

68. If you could have any job (assuming you have the skills) what would it be? record label, successful musician, actor, writer

69. Are you easy to get along with?:
i think i'm pretty friendly, and so popular!

70. What is your favorite time of day?:
when work is over
     Read 3 - Post
supercuts and dinner bells   
01:31pm 30/09/2006
  this is where i was at yesterday:

My day has been shit. It just got worse. I knew that I should only trust "I'm the shit" to cut my hair, but I went in and she had left early so I had to go with the latest chubby girl with blonde highlights who likes contemporary country and is fresh out of Super cuts school. She started out with the clippers and did not stop until she dug herself such a hole that she had to wait for someone else to come and fix it, but it was too late. she apologized and I was kind but I came out of there with no hair and I thought I explained to her that I wanted a little taken off, I almost did it myself. I am so fucking pissed. If the wrong person (i.e. Nicole or some frat boy) says..the wrong thing..to me I will make them cry and put a foot up their ass, respectively. Like, I've fucked up pruning a tree before and had to have brian or merva help me out, but those trees do not have to walk around in public or go to weddings. you don't..leave a brand new surgeon alone in the O.R. with a patient do you? I need to live alone again in a basement, a hermet, playing video games and watching Northern Exposure. I am not THIS anymore, now I'm THAT or something else. Let me just leave you, MAKE me, I'm begging you.

So I just keep listening to this song, over and over and over and over....

Dinner Bells
I heard all your reasons
I heard all your plans
I have seen the seasons
Clutched up in your hands
You're the one eyed feather
You're the lion's mane
Swear you've heard the weather
Calling out your name
There'll be no more winters
There'll be no more spring and
There'll be no more dinner bells
Left for you to ring
There'll be no more dinner bells
Dinner bells to ring
Maestro learns the music
Musicians learn to dance
There'll be no more trumpets
There'll be no more flutes
No more clapping hands
I've heard all your reasons
I've heard all your plans
I heard of your treasons
and I've heard all your pleas
And i've made friends with the hang man
So there'll be no more winter
There'll be no more spring and
There'll be no more dinner bells
Left for you to ring
There'll be no more dinner bells
Dinner bells to ring
There'll be no more dinner bells
Dinner bells to ring
There'll be no more dinner bells
Dinner bells to ring

then i went and got drunk and then snuck out home. i was feeling seasick and a bit sentimental, today has been okay though, becky and i debated whether i should even cut my hair, and i'm gonna be proud of my frohawk, i'll wear it like a badge. better get dressed now, tonight could be old-school kalamazoo crazy, let's hope not.

la la love you
a glimpse into our conversation   
06:51pm 26/09/2006
  Trevor: that girl is so cute
Becky: I don't think I know who she is
Trevor: I would lick that girl's butt. (totally straight face)
Becky: (giggling) that's the most romantic thing I've ever heard.
     Read 4 - Post
boring myspace survey   
12:33pm 24/09/2006
  1. How tall are you barefoot?
5'10 or 11

2. Have you ever smoked heroin?

3. Do you own a gun?

4. Who's your best friend?
probably becky,seekamp,killian

5. Do you get nervous before "meeting the parents"?
not really, more anyone meeting my crazy parents

6. What do you think of hot dogs?
they are funny

7. What's your favorite Christmas song? jingle bell rock

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?

9. Can you do push ups?
not many

10. Is your bathroom clean?
not particularly

11. What's your favorite piece of jewelry?

12. Do you like painkillers?
yes'm, ain't nothing strong enough to kill mine

13. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex.
being shy and then drunken e-mailing them or something childish

14. Do you own a knife?
I cook, so yes.

15. Do you have A.D.D
i wish i had HDTV

16. Middle Name?

17. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment?

18. Name the last 3 things you have bought:
3) gazette

19. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink:
3) whisky

20. What time did you wake up today?

22. Current worry?
life,love,art, happiness, how they all are connected and confusing

23. Current hate?
"i will not hate, but what do you call it?"

24. Favorite place to be? in dream

25. Least favorite place to be?
in dream

26. Where would you like to go?
new york

27. Do you own slippers?
yes, but i never wear them

28. What shirt are you wearing?
simple gray

29. Do you burn or tan?

30. Favorite color(s)?

31. Would you be a pirate?

32. Last time you had an alcoholic drink?
last night

33. What songs do you sing in the shower?
latley "if you need me" the wilson pickett version

34. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child?

36. Last thing that made you laugh?

37. Best bed sheets you had as a child?
winnie the pooh

38. Worst injury you've ever had?
broken heart

40. How many TVs do you have in your house?

41. Who is your loudest friend?
becky or lindsay, ethan when drunk

42. Who is your most silent friend?
seekamp or scott bleeker

43. Does someone have a crush on you?
not sure anymore, some did but crushes fade

44. Do you wish on shooting stars?

45. What is your favorite book?
i remember thinking "slaughter house 5" was profound, catcher in the rye was good, on the road, all the classics

46. What is your favorite candy?
i don't eat any now, i used to like milky way

47. What song do/did you want played at your wedding?
fade into you? nah, "love hurts" by nazareth, or all i want is you by u2, or all i want by joni mitchell, who cares i'm never getting married anyway

48. What song do you want pl ayed at your funeral?
"how do you mend a broken heart"

49. What were you doing 12 AM last night?
drifting off into slumber

50. What was the First thing you thought of when you woke up this morning?? I am so horny
because you didn't ask   
12:10pm 23/09/2006
  I just whipped up a greasy spoon breakfeast for World War 4 johnny "big bite" deboer and myself. there is nothing like grease to get things moving along. waiting for brian to pick me up so we can go clean gutters out. i'm going to hold the ladder, it's not like i could do much if he falls. we'll do anything for money.
i'm hungover, chunky gave me a ride home last night, everyone could tell i was done. my body starts to shut down and i crumble. i have to say, my friends are a very interesting bunch, and mental the whole lot of them. so fun and funny and sweet but catty and bitchy and sincere and notsincere. multifaceted to the extreme. i was thinking about having some nude photographs done while i'm skinny and my hair is a big wavy afro. wouldn't you want to look back at yourself when your old and shriveled and decaying and say "that's what i used to look like" i'm all about the archives. a couple friends told me they've done it. if the pictures ever got out they would ruin my chances of being president. i'd like to know your thoughts on this. real feeback, not just "you're gay." alas, i was informed that the girl i had a crush on has a boyfriend. deep down, maybe i knew all along, but was just wishful thinking. still, she is a heavenly, quiet creature.

i think i may be going insane. a pep talk from stacey pulled me out of it for one day, then i fell back into it. "just one look, and i fell so hard" but anyway, she let me have it, she was like "what's wrong" and i was like, "do i look sad or something?" and i started rambling, and she gave it to me "your intellegient, good-looking, you have a great heart and your talented..." the whole thing, and i felt better. like yesterday, i was in harding's and this dumb frat guy gave me the most hateful look and it made me feel like shit. and then i was standing in line after a gay guy that was buying two packages of headcheese, and i get up to the cashier and when i was leaving she said "you have the prettiest eyes" and it made me feel better. well, i should get going because again, i'm in the middle of a big bike race.



p.s. see "the proposition"
     Read 1 - Post
05:40pm 02/09/2006
  This is the newest addition to our house, his name is Gordy!

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

     Read 1 - Post
bats in a house   
08:10pm 28/08/2006
  I am so sick of these motherfuckin' bats in this motherfuckin' house. i was visited by another last night. flying around in my room, i threw a blanket on myself and crawled out of the room. i slept on the couch and i dreamt all night, some about the bat, some about other things. today i couldn't find the bat, so i bet he's sleeping and will come out tonight. we did get a new roof, and maybe they can't find theire way out anymore. my spritual advisor sent me a different interpretation about facing my fears, the one's hiding in the deepest darkest corner of my mind, about disecting them, and about not being afraid of change. something's happeneing here, and what it is ain't exactly clear.  
the movement is not a cult   
05:48pm 26/08/2006
  dear wolf parade;

the single and celibate movement is picking up steam. becky and i are mapping out the details. the main theme is forgiveness. if you fall off the celibacy wagon, you just get back on it, we don't judge, we just do our best, and take a breath and try again.

a few days ago there was a bat in the house, i'm petrified of bats and mice, nicole and i tried to hunt it down but then we lost it. today i was making pasta and went to grab the oven mit and there it was. i almost pooped my pants. it looked at me, and then it yawned. then brian frain took it outside and stomped that motherfucker to death, only because it was injured though and would have gotten played with by cooper and onion.
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on my last nerve   
03:20pm 25/08/2006
  i'm having a shit day. i'm totally broke, and my car is broken. i can't drive it to go get money that my boss may or may not have so i can fix my car.

i also want to banish the untrustworthy people from my life, they are getting on my last nerve.

my mom called me last night informing me of another suicide of someone from the old country.

last night i went on another drunken myspace messaging rampage. not sure what i was talking about. just words flying around. doing that thing. where i think everyone knows what i'm on about because i do?

i need to relax today, i'm being tested. like last night i discovered more poison ivy specks on my body and started freaking out. then katie told me not to scratch it, and not to think about it so i stopped scratching it at least, but i can still see it. i don't understand how i would have gotten it? again. rosie told me when we were in the woods to tell the poison ivy that i'm not there to hurt it.

interuption by stacey pollard

i'm feeling slightly better. out of the shower, trying to have perspective on my shitty situation. this house is so trashed it needs to be loved more. nicole is clean in an ocd way, the rest of us are like ...eh, we'll do stuff when we feel like it but our leisure time is more important. alright, i should get back to laundry now.

come over tommorow if you're my friend and drink with me
about last night   
05:15pm 21/08/2006
  the wedding was strange and beautiful. a weird ceremony in a large barn in richland. i got really choked up when liesel did the hula dance in honor of her mother. the after party was also weird, it felt like another summer was ending, and my love/hate with kalamazoo was full of love. then i think some kids were hiding and throwing rocks at us, but we couldn't see them, they were like ewoks. in the end, there were about 4 of us dancing in the living room completely trashed. today my body and mind are mad at me because all i do is poison them and abuse them everyday, they are going on strike. today allison took all the bottles back and bought a very random assortment of junk food, which i indulged in. girls only want you when you're unavailable. i've made myself unavailable, because well, i felt like i had to be a better person and that means that i don't want to hurt anybody. and i think that i hurt a few people over the years, and i'm sort of, not happy with myself about it. but i also feel like people know what they're getting into with me, i'm pretty upfront about it. like, "hey, i'm an old drunk with a lot of unfulfilled promise, emotional baggage and commitment issues." who wouldn't want this package? i've also lost about 15 pounds and my body looks like the body of a 12 year old's. i sometimes wonder what kind of woman is strong enough to hold me up. someone who doesn't let me accidently destroy them. i cannot settle, it's hard just to be. but it should be the easiest thing shouldn't it? to just be, and be happy to be alive and in the moment, to be proud of yourself. i've started to feel the first signs of "i don't care what people think." wearing this dirty bib overall outfit with rolled up legs, untied boots, a bandana and crooked hat. people yelling shit at me. i'm getting used to it. when people don't even know you and they already hate you, then it's probably their problem. anyway, i got off track. i hope everyone had fun last night, and it was great to see you and be with you, and to share that beatiful and strange moment with you, and also everything is gonna be alright!  
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they don't ever want to let you go   
05:13pm 21/08/2006
  The Dirty Thirty... 30 unknown facts/secrets about yourself:

1. What does your MySpace headline mean?
a lyric from a beautiful song called "another one goes by"

2. Elaborate on your default photo?
i took it myself with this old konica with a broken light meter

3. What's your middle name[s]?:

4. What is your current relationship status?:
single and celibate like morrisey (thanks thompson)

5. What are you wearing right now?
shorts and grey t-shirt

6. What is your current problem?
drinking, debt, and this constant hoplessness or something.

7. What's the best feeling in the world?
when someone holds you so hard, like they don't ever want to let you go.

8. Who makes you most happy?
booboo makes me pretty happy, there is something about her cuteness that disarms me, and she is so mischievious.

9. Are you musically talented?
not in a frank fuzz talented way, but in a normal midwestern tone-deaf crooner sort of way.

10. If you could go back in time, and change one thing, what would it be?
i would have never never never got a credit card.

11. If you MUST be an animal for ONE day-
an eagle.

12. Ever have a near death experience?
yeah, when i overdosed on various things and tara kutchinski saved my life. i also probably would have drowned in woods lake one day while swimming with jessica and bridget.

13. Can you dance?
yeah, i'm pretty good, i've got rhythm.

14. What's the name of the song that's stuck in your head right now?
none at the moment

15. Who did you cut and paste this from?
enosauraus wrecks

16. Name someone with the same b-day as you?

17. Have you ever destroyed someone's property?
destroyed is a strong word

18. Have you ever been in a fight?
when i was younger, almost a few when i was older.

19. Have you ever sang in front of a big audience?
besides woodstock? not really, maybe 20 people.

20. What's the first thing you notice about the OPPOSITE sex?

21. What do you usually order from Starbucks?
i don't really go there, but i've had coffe from them at barnes and noble and it was terrible. if you're a coffee place and you brew shitty coffee, you shouldn't be in business.

22. Do you have a crush on anybody from your Top 8?
not really, my crushes all dried up.

23. Ever had a drunken night in Mexico?

24. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity?
someone told me vince vaughn

25. Do you still watch kiddy movies or TV shows?
no, i would watch the supefriends or peewees playhouse anytime though. i also loved captain kangaroo, reading rainbow, mr. dress-up, g.i. joe, and hammy the hamster, and the abc weekend specials of the 80's.

26. Did you have braces?
yes, and a very very painful retainer that was cemented in, and had to be turned with a key twice a day. when it came time for my finishing piece, i refused to wear it. i was told my teeth would get crooked again, but they never really did.

27. Are you comfortable with your height?
i wouldn't mind being a couple inches taller, but i'm okay. i think i'm about 5'11" or so.

28. What is the sweetest thing someone's ever done for you?
someone sent me a very brief and strange message a while ago that had a one beautiful and vague line in it that was sweet. my memory isn't what it used to be so i can't remember anything before last week.

29. Do you speak any other languages?
a tiny bit of french

30. Whats your favorite smell?
i kind of like the smell of a woman's body odor, not like hippy body odor, just regular body odor. am i gross or what?
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"we hate you donald"   
02:53pm 14/08/2006
  "When Monday morning you can't wake up
Still dreaming' of
What could've been
Something good has gone and left you
It's another tear
One won't deny
Come January I swear this world
Won't be the one
That we once lived on"

my blues come and go, sometimes within the same 10 minutes. i started listening to this song by big star called "holocaust" and they came, real fast, without warning. "if i can get out of bed with my blues, i can get around town in my shoes" i wrote that a few weeks ago, and it summed everything up. maybe i'll go jog awhile now.
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including my own   
07:08pm 08/08/2006
  some reflections about the last few weeks. well, at the moment amanda and i are having a conversation about owning your feelings and thoughts, no matter how perverse, and owning your insanity, but not letting it own you. and that's very much about what i was thinking about.

so, nothing has really happened. i got a bad case of poison ivy, which was really...irritating, but tolerable. my body started to fail me and my mind started doubting itself. i became my own worst enemy again. it was only today, that i had about a 2 hour window of optimism. life will kick your ass, and at the end of the day most of us are alone. and can you be alone. it's difficult.i spend most evenings surrounded by drunks and low lives. life having kicked their asses, sometimes to the point of no return. but, i'm not there yet. i'm observing. you see, no one really expected anything from me in the first place. i came from absolute working class purgatory, factory rats, most of them, including my own. and they never wanted much more, most settled for less, in everything. but i never thought of myself as working class. what was my point? i just totally spaced out. any-woo.

the orphanage - i was a little down on myself about the performance, but it wasn't so bad in hindsight, it sounded like 4 guys that played together 3 times. i fucked up here and there, they fucked up here and there. those things happen. what really freaks me out is that i didn't have my usual swagger, i still succumb to those fears, fear of being judged by your peers. thank you brian for giving me whiskey, that probably loosened me up enough to finish.

mike, lisa, and penny, i will miss you. you guys are the shit and you know it, i couldn't say a better goodbye than i said in your guest book.thank you for the books, especially the kama sutra with all the 70's pictures of guys with mustaches and girls with jungle-bush.
beverly and steve, thanks for kicking our asses at basketball.
killian, thanks for constantly trying to knock my teeth out in baseball.
allison, the stuffed peppers you made were really good.
thank you amy for squirting everyone with douche on your birthday.
thank you detroit tigers for being so fucking incredible night after night.
and on and on and on
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ass and titties ass ass and titties   
03:17pm 04/08/2006
  dear cruel world: i love it when you shit on me! i've given you everything i had and this is how you repay me? actually, i've given you very little in retrospect. i had a horrible morning today. i missed a very important medical appointment because my usually reliable car broke down at the gas station, breaking down at the pump is embarrasing. finally got it working but i blew a big hole in the rusty muffler. so i get to the family health center, and they turn me away, thank's for the help. and why are white trash people so loud, they can never just sit in the waiting room in silence. they're always shouting and carrying on with their nonsense. i tried to get myself in a better mood, but i started thinking about our shitty healthcare system and how if you don't have insurance, you're a piece of shit and noone cares about you. and this country could be so great, but it's just not. we are the ultimate case of not living up to potential.

what else. my air conditioner is fucked up. i can't get a decent job, well i have one, but it's part time now, and i just don't know what is going to happen to me, and it's scary. a live version of the orphanage will play at merva's going away party. it sounds, well, we've only practiced starting last week, so it sounds rough with occasional okay moments. we only have a few songs together, and we fuck those up in different ways everytime. who knows, maybe i'll keep it going after mike leaves, add some people, get good. steve actually has some good, weird songs. almost in the same genre that i invented in high school... Indie RnB bedroom doowop. what it actually sounds like, is if the monkees had no chemistry and tried to play their own instruments on their records instead of a studioband!

i have to stop drinking whiskey. something is wrong with my body. i'm not very regular. i just don't take care of myself very much. i drank too much last night, because this old queer was talking to me, and he is hard to hear and repeats himself, and he's always spouting of communist rheotoric or carrying on about manuel noreaga or h.g. wells. i couldn't listem to him and be sober so i started slamming whiskey shots, and before i knew it, i was wrapped up in conversations i don't remember at all.

i made a wet burrito that was so good today. also, we will try and play softball again tonight. depending on how many crow's nesters come out, they made up most of the players last time. we had fun, but it was fucking hot, so hot that i took all my clothes off. just kidding.
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garagle sale   
01:59pm 28/07/2006
  i'm unloading lots of vinyl at bev's garage sale tommorow so stop over and score some!  
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